Why You Are the Way You Are?

 

The best way to answer this question would be to first fully understand it. The question seeks an answer from me as to why I have completely given up on people who were once very close to me or so I would made myself to believe.

Before going any further I would make it very clear that my elaboration most certainly will make some eyebrows raised whose sentiments or as they would like to put it POV is about to hurt. But then again, it’s not about them but me and how I felt and what led me to have that opinion about them.

So here it goes, the reason I have divorced myself from the superficiality of people is because of the realization that I have had in the past couple of months.

Now you must ask what that realization might be?

The realization being the sheer fact that despite having the existence of tons of people in my life, they are non-existential for me.

The fact that when I am devoured by grief and the blow of circumstances, I don’t have anyone to go to.    

That in the time where I am at my most vulnerable and fragile to the extent of breaking down at a single touch just as a castle of cards, I don’t have anyone to comfort my inconsolable soul.

I was disillusioned from the fact that these well pampered relationship would be the mainstay upon whom I can rely.

However, this all have been proved nothing but to be just an illusion and rather a big one.

It would have hurt me a lot less if I had seen the decency of an attempt, an attempt or try or whichever term you would like to use for their part of the bargain. But the sheer nonchalance and the cliched This too shall pass made me all the more embittered.

Not that I was just expecting and never been expected but the disappointment lies in my living up to the expectations and their failure of an expectations.

And this all led me to the greatest realization of my life that how bleak and barren my relationships were with those ‘’once close friends’’.

I was not always this bitter and cynical but the ways of the world in general and those of my once close friends in particular stripped every ounce of naivety from me and now I see them for what they are and the only change this whole crusade induced is on me and not on them.

They remain quite the same, now trying to crawl back into my life and make me unhinged but I just refuse to fall for those gimmicks any further.

The way how the order of the world works is sickening. And it is a choice that you make whether you want to be genuinely sick but seem to be fine outside or be fine on moral grounds but seem sick to whoever lacks that moral code (and in this case pretty much everybody). 

Its funny how pretentious and hypocrite the people are which i can explain with reference to the character Arthur Fleck from the movie Joker. 

When that famous quote of Fleck came out which goes like, ''The worst thing about mental illness is that people expect you to behave as if you don't'', everyone loses their mind (reference of another famous quote of Joker from The Dark Knight).

This appropriately shows the hypocrisy and phoniness of people in its most acute stage. I dare to whoever reads it to act like the way Fleck did (before the carnage) and see for yourself how many of the phonies understands you.  

Nobody gives a red dime to what you are going through from inside even the alleged close ones or in my case especially the alleged close once. 

I tried real hard to be on the other side of the binary and it gave me nothing but more exclusivity and ostracization from inside. 

So I thought to myself if I am to feel this way regardless, then why shouldn't I feel it the natural way instead of this roundabout way. 

Thus, is my answer to the question, Why I am the way I am.