The Possession of a Preoccupied Mind

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Hey, how you doin'?  No, I am not rewatching Friends for the zillionth time.  It's just that I hate to start traditionally.  I'm in a conflicting situation: some of my readers like my conversational tone, but apparently it isn't quite acceptable to the publication agencies. Two of my best-appreciated stories were rejected because of their tone. The rejection felt like a jolt that I could practically feel in my head, especially the second one.  Since that day, I've been caught up in a vicious loop of boredom because I stopped writing anything new.   I also called off a new transcription gig that promised me some good money, but the client was a tad bit of a scoundrel in his behaviour.  So here I am, having voluntarily stepped away from both writing and work, and somehow managing to be bored out of my mind. Pretty efficient, ain't I? I'm in that peculiar state where I don't want to do anything to kill time, yet somehow want the time to pass joyfully. I ...
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It's Almost 2 Years Since I Reformed

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It all started almost 2 years back. Before, it wasn't healthy. Infact it was all toxic. The talks, the texts, the remarks, the comments, the consolation, the condemnation, all were the same as they felt no different. There wasn't any soothe in the words nor could the words be any more implaling. Even after all the introspection i still can't answer what kept me that long? What was i waiting for? What was i getting from being gaslighted.

I laughed at the lamest jokes. 

I did my best to go through a full song of k-pop. No xenophobic but i hate Korean means of entertainment, no hard feelings BTS , it's just I don't dig.

Not even once during the whole existence did i feel happy. 

On the surface, yeah, i am a good perfomer. Call it whatever the hell you want but it takes a real genius to pretend to enjoy a circle or company for 8 effing years.

I guess i just did not want to be left alone. I thought the tick tock of the clock, coming from the silence of my room would swallow me alive. Or maybe it is the echoing of my own voice inside of my head, of all the things that then seemed huge, which i tried to escape by filling some real silly voices coming from my phone. 

Whatever that was, one thing is now confirmed. It wasn't them , it was me ... My own inadequacies which kept the whole thing going on for this long. 

It was only a matter of death, the death of my own creator and the subsequent realisation of the inescapable truth that them all are as good as dead to be of any practical use to me, that i finally woke up. 

What i felt won't possible, undoable, is hardly something i felt the absence of. 

It is almost 2 years when i have decided to walk the line. To start walking on the road of not looking back. It was when I finally decided to take the "Vow of Bhisma".

No matter what, there is no looking back. That part is dead. Those talks are dead. Those people are duly buried of whose funeral i eulogised. 

And it's been almost 2 years I am restored, repaired and reformed.


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