The Possession of a Preoccupied Mind

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Hey, how you doin'?  No, I am not rewatching Friends for the zillionth time.  It's just that I hate to start traditionally.  I'm in a conflicting situation: some of my readers like my conversational tone, but apparently it isn't quite acceptable to the publication agencies. Two of my best-appreciated stories were rejected because of their tone. The rejection felt like a jolt that I could practically feel in my head, especially the second one.  Since that day, I've been caught up in a vicious loop of boredom because I stopped writing anything new.   I also called off a new transcription gig that promised me some good money, but the client was a tad bit of a scoundrel in his behaviour.  So here I am, having voluntarily stepped away from both writing and work, and somehow managing to be bored out of my mind. Pretty efficient, ain't I? I'm in that peculiar state where I don't want to do anything to kill time, yet somehow want the time to pass joyfully. I ...
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The World I Came to Know

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Life is not easy. 

Life is difficult.

Life is challenging.

Life is relentless.

Life is a battlefield, and you are the crippled warrior. 

You don't stand a chance. 

The only thing you can do is either fight with your dignity intact or surrender, smothering your own self-respect.

My bad luck is that I chose the former. 

People are fake in brief encounters. 

People are selfish in the long run. 

Tonight, I struggle to find anything worthwhile in the people I have encountered throughout my life.

I'm writing this in a moment of profound frustration. Perhaps time will soften these words, but tonight, this is what the world feels like.

For years, I have been instrumental in the success and upliftment of those I considered my own. My assistance is genuine, without any expectation of personal gain, only because I believe that when my time of need arrives, they will remember me.

Instead they remind me, in ways subtle and obvious, that I am not worthy of their kindness just yet. 

Here's one thing about being a deficit. 

Once you are in a state of deficit, you are doomed. 

The moment you fall into deficit, you become invisible.

You become an inconvenience.

You become someone the world can easily leave behind.

You become someone the world can easily do without. 

Sometimes it feels as though you are already dead, except you continue breathing, wishing ten times a day that you didn't have to carry the weight anymore.

The world is not a great place to be for the disadvantaged. 

It's absolutely not. 

I carry a great deal of resentment toward the world and towards many of the people in it. 

Even more, I carry a great deal of resentment towards the people of my surroundings for how insignificant they made me feel about myself. And not once or twice, but consistently, until it became the air I breathed.

Every day is a battle.

Every day is a struggle. 

A struggle not just for my survival but to preserve whatever remains of my dignity. 

I could have shed light to specify, but the incidents are many, and each has its impact on me. 

It's years of endurance.

Years of disappointment.

Years of heartbreak.

And I'm exhausted.

So exhausted that the only thing I hope to take from this life is the chance never to meet the people I know again in the next.

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